discomfortable post

Here’s something that I can’t explain — sex after marriage.

This has been bugging the crap out of me lately. Not because of the shoulds and shouldn’ts. Not because those who wait should be applauded or esteemed. Not because those who have had sex should be condemned. Nothing like that. Who among us is without sin? It bugs me because I can’t really reason why, can’t really prove why there is only one good choice out of the two. People have sex and have awesome relationships, get married, and still have awesome relationships — all the time. Believers and non-believers alike.

So what I hear is that when you have pre-marital sex, you’re being intimate with someone physically before you even know where the relationship is really going. And in the unfortunate case the relationship doesn’t work out, you carry baggage and hurt into the next relationship. You get deep, emotional scars that are hard to pinpoint. Been there, done that. For guys, sex could be the unintentional driving force that holds the relationship together. For girls, sex could be a bandage that covers emotional emptiness. Et cetera. All of these different Sunday-sermon-approved reasons.

That line of thinking makes sense, but I don’t see that happening all the time. The repercussions of pre-marital sex are subtle. Sometimes, it’s hard to even see it as a problem. I see relationships evolve. I see boyfriends who love having conversations with their ladies and aren’t just in it for the booty. I see couples that are able to talk through emotional baggage and make it out like fist-pumping champs. So, I can’t explain this one choice.

And if I have to be completely honest (and this is not to be suggestive of anything!), there are times that I feel a pang of envy knowing couples that have it all and didn’t have to wait. Envy and insecurity, I suppose, because I’ll start to think that the Fiance must not love me as much, or he must not be attracted to me. I think what I don’t want to think, but the Fiance is so strong and self-controlled and so in love with the Jesus that I know my thoughts are unfounded and full of ridiculosity.

All I know is that I believe in God’s sovereignty. I know that God has a plan for us, and I trust that his plans are good because he is good. And I know that where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. There must be freedom in God’s good plans, his plan for a man and woman to become one flesh after making a covenant before the Lord. There must be incomparable freedom and unsurpassable joy in his good plans. Even if I can’t explain it. Why settle for anything less than that.

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update

Since we’ve gotten back from Bangladesh, things have been a little crazy here. I wish I had the words to share more of the stories from the trip, but it seems so odd to talk about the journey as if it were a simple memory. I think anyone who has travelled knows what I’m talking about. The people are still in my thoughts. I miss the grueling hikes, the wandering goats, the sticky hands, the gummy smiles. Maybe the stories will come later.

So since we’ve been back, I’ve shifted into high gear as far as wedding planning goes. Just details here and there. Odds and ends to tie up. It hasn’t been too difficult or stressful thanks to our wonderful wedding planner and friend! She is a wonderful wife, awesome mom, super sweet woman and a character all by herself. I love God’s providence in setting up this relationship. Cyber shout out to Aestoria. 🙂

And in between wedding planning, I’ve been attempting to work on my thesis. It hasn’t progressed as much as I thought it would, but I’d like to think I thrive under pressure. Procrastination is challenging and taxing on the body, but the relief is so much sweeter when you actually get it done! I really do think my best work comes out at the last minute. Planning in any circumstance is always good, but creativeness comes when I’m not analyzing something to death. Sometimes, I want to change the entire research topic or throw my laptop on the ground. But I shouldn’t. Laptops are expensive and my sanity is important.

Stan and I have also been attending pre-marital counseling. It’s kind of really fun. We get asked questions like, “What are your personalities like?” and “Do you foresee any problems with the similarities/differences in your personalities?” We can get really specific because the more specific you are, the better. So it’s like you’re able to nitpick because you have to lol. You get to do it in a safe environment, so it turns out to be funny and not hurtful. We’re having fun preparing for this new life together.

And now we know that our new life together will be in Chicago for the next four years!! I’m excited and happy and anxious and scared and nervous and thrilled and baffled. But I wouldn’t want to feel this way with anyone other than Stanimal.