I’ve really wanted to try Adderall before, and, not gonna lie, I still do. I even fantasized about it last night before bed. Stan said he would not support this idea at all, and then I teased him again about how, when his classmates popped an Adderall before Step 1, he took ginkgo biloba. Haha! But that’s one of the things I love about him. His character runs deep. Deep like the roots of a gingko tree. Hahah! Okay, I stop. (I mean, ginkgo biloba!) I really totally absolutely don’t condone substance abuse…well, drug abuse…well…substance abuse. Yeah. I really enjoy my studies, but I’m so slow at keeping up. My mind is just all over the freakin’ place! I don’t usually mind this idiosyncrasy of mine (and I don’t think anyone else does), but it doesn’t help when I have to read 300+ pages a week for school. That’s, like, a book a week — and not just any guilty pleasure reading books, but highfalutin, verbose loquaciousness. Just like that. Times 300 pages of this loquaciousity-ness.

I get it, though. It’d be like taking steroids before a weightlifting competition. I won’t do it. I’m too much of a wuss to go through with it. (The Adderall part, not the steroids part. I’d take steroids in a hot minute to get rid of love handles! No, but really? I just said “hot minute,” a term that I loathe. I’m in a state of angst.) But man, sometimes, I really feel so…not cut out for this gig. So I’m simply left to my dreams of popping an Adderall, getting all my work done and then some, with having time to spare to talk with actual people instead of myself or the dog. And possibly staying on top of my workout routine.

Sigh. The goal isn’t to be perfect, though, right? But holiness in surrender. Holiness in surrender. The phrase alone sounds beautiful. It has to be beautiful and good and true. Tell that to my Adderall-deprived subconscious.

P.S. Speaking of our dog and sighs, Chester’s morning routine consists of coming into my room and crawling his way directly under my bed. And, without a doubt, he’ll let out a sigh. Like he can finally get some peace and quiet for his wretched life in the enclosure of darkness. Poor thing.

I won't feel sorry for you.


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